A few weeks ago Ashley and I returned from an long weekend away. It was exciting as always to drive back into the city, "Can you believe we live in Chicago!" we say to each other as we see the beautiful skyline.
Something always leaps within me as we drive back in, we are home, what a great feeling...
Until of course we get off of the 290 expressway at California Ave. Its amazing, it only takes me about 2-3 days away, and all the crap that I thought I conquered comes back full force. I have the immediate desire to lock my doors, speed through light, look away from the people on the sidewalk, and rush into my basement apartment. It is fear, and it tastes bitter in my mouth. This is my community, my home, my neighbors...and I fear it.
People ask me sometimes if I am afraid. I would like to say that I have conquered that one, but fear based on ingrained stereotypes, years of "lock your doors", and thousands of little racially charged comments have left their mark on me.
The same thing happens when I go to a different neighborhood. It may be very similar to my own, but it brings out irrational fear, all over again.
So is fear an occupational hazard of urban ministry - no, Self-Deception is.
Self-Deception - inability to see that one has a problem. It begins when we treat individuals as objects and not people. When we see them as problems, not God's creation. What happens is that we must justify to ourselves why it is ok to objectify, and not to love.
Let me tell you a story to clarify what I mean. On Saturday Ashley and I drove to Lincoln Park (a very nice part of Chicago) to go to "Argo Tea". You all know that any place devoted to the drinking of team must be in a yuppie neighborhood (I admit, I like it). Ashley and I were having a great time. I was sitting in comfy couches, drinking our second cup of $5 tea, and reading the book "Leadership and Self-Deception" a book I recommend to everyone, even if you are like me, and don't think you have any problems! Joking of course.
Anyways, I was enjoying the experience immensely, when a homeless person (at that point I couldn't tell if it was a man or woman) wearing paper thin clothes, mumbling to him/herself, intruded upon my bliss by catching my eye. Now I had been reading for the past hour about how to see people as people and not objects. But I didn't want anything to do with this person. All I wanted was to enjoy my tea and my book, was that so bad. I didn't want to deal with the conflict of giving money or buying food, or even saying "no" in a dignifying way. So, I didn't look, I buried myself in my Self-Deception book. "This wasn't my responsibility, he or she is probably on drugs, that's why places like Breakthrough exist," and so on and so forth, my justification continued.
All of a sudden a young lady approached this homeless person with a cup of coffee. The homeless person was so excited, and grateful, her yes her smile was beautiful. "Fine", I thought, "I'm glad someone else cares for a change". All of a sudden, the lady turns, catches my eye and walks boldly into the tea store. I am gearing up for the worst..."Do they have sugar here" she asks. In my guilty relief, I jump to get her sugar. But as she drinks her coffee, and I drink my second cup of tea that should have been hers, I realize, she is a beautiful person, a cold beautiful person. My desire to avoid her is dismissed as Ashley and I walk to our car to get her a hat.
Just to be clear, I'm not advocating giving money to people in homelessness, in fact I would advise against it most of the time, but I am advocating treating people as people, looking them in the eyes, learning their names, and treating them as a child of God, I am advocating that instead of seeing communities as Ghettos that you should lock your doors and speed through, see them as homes, neighborhoods, with beautiful families and individuals.
You will find that fear, self-deception, and your desire to justify yourself will slip away. And maybe for a moment you will see as Jesus sees.
Any of you have thoughts on self-deception? Did my stories remind you of any of your own with coworkers, family, friends?
